I swear to god Laura is the only person who fucking understands me about anything anymore. Thank god for her or I would lose it. I would literally flip the fuck out. So sick of not being appreciated by people we give our all to.
Honestly school sucks right now. As much as I’m trying to forget and start fresh and deny everything to myself, I can’t. I miss my best friend being here more than anything in the world. I thought maybe being in a new building and a new room and a new roommate, and friends down the hall would help make that empty feeling I have go away, but it doesn’t. It absolutely does not help at all and it sucks. I try to ignore it, but I’m constantly reminded of things every damn second of the day because this stupid school and campus is just filled with way too many memories. I hate myself and my personality because I get so close with people and so attached with them and I don’t want that anymore. I want to be freed. I feel like I’m trapped and being weighed down, and I just feel like empty and lost. I just want a fresh start and a new me. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying to not care, and mask my feelings, I put on a smile, but it’s hard to pull through. And people probably think I’m crazy or whatever, but it’s just hard. I care way too much and I hate change. It’s hard for me, and it’s even harder when I know it affects me way more than anybody else I’m friends with. I don’t even want to get close with anybody ever again. I don’t want that anymore. I just want to keep at a distance bc I can’t get close with somebody again and then watch them leave. My whole life I’ve been left or abandoned. Maybe they’re still here in sprit, but it’s not the same. I need physical, like here and now. It’s so hard for me. And honestly, this is why I love animals so much. I have like a special bond with like every animal I meet and I know that sounds weird, but it’s so true. They never leave you, they love you unconditionally no matter your personality or what you look like. They depend on you and rely on you, and I like that. I like to feel useful and helpful, and if I need to get a little furry friend to feel that I will. And this is why Saturday I am picking up my new baby guinea pig. This little critter will get my through my last year of hell.